you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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