You really coming over, don't trick.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
