dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
