We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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