I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
