Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
thus making me awesome and them whores
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
