Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
