I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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