Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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