I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
