Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize