Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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