Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
