I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i out mim tonsoeep
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize