Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
