I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
