How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
