my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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