I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
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