Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
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Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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