Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
