went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
