Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I wear drunk well.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
