in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
