If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
