How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
