3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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