Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
