Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
