I will die if light touches me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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