That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
