called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
