in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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