apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
