im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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