Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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