the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
