i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
