Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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