i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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