tell your sister to shave her snatch
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
