I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
