Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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