I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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