Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
