i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
