this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I came so hard my ears popped.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
