you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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