Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
