I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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