Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
