All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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