I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
