i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
