Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
