I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
