1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We were destined to go to rehab together
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
