i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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