Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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