Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
