Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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