Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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