He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I love you. Go after that dick
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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