I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Green mimosas i think yes
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
